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:WAITING

(In the commissary, Zorak and Moltar sit at a table)

Moltar: Yeah, not that that's doin' anything for my bank account, but... (clears his throat)

Zorak: Figures.

Space Ghost: (off camera) Zorak? Moltar? (walks on camera, wearing only his cowl and power bands) Let me tell you the story of the birds and the bees.

(Moltar and Zorak look at each other, and start laughing)

Zorak: Wow.

Space Ghost: Now, don't be like that. It's beautiful.

(Opening theme)

(Space Ghost invisos to the set, fully clothed)

Space Ghost: Greetings, universe and beyond. I'm comedian Todd Barry. On tonight's show: Space Ghost! Now say hello to Zorak and the Original Way-Outs.

(The band plays intro music)

(Space Ghost invisos to his desk)

Moltar: Space Ghost, let me ask you something. How come you never introduce me?

Space Ghost: Do what now?

Moltar: At the beginning of each show, you introduce yourself, you introduce Zorak, I just thought it would be nice, one time, if you introduced me too.

Space Ghost: (laughs, putting his hand in front of his face)

Zorak: (laughs)

Moltar: What's so funny?

Space Ghost: Moltar, Moltar, Moltar. You're only the director. No one sees or cares about you. Zorak and I are the talent. (Zorak sips from his mug)

Moltar: I thought you hated Zorak.

Space Ghost: I do hate you.

Zorak: Hey Space Ghost! Wanna hear a funny joke?

Space Ghost: See, Moltar, this is what I'm talking about.

Moltar: (disgusted sigh)

Space Ghost: Quiet, Moltar, your heat will throw off his timing, and that's why you suck.

Moltar: (another disgusted sigh)

Zorak: Alright, here we go. Er, uh, um... Knock knock?

Space Ghost: Um, who's there?

Zorak: (beat) (BLEEP) you.

Space Ghost: (beat) (Laughs) Well done, Zorak. So anyway, Moltar, I'm always open to ideas which might make the show better.

Moltar: How about I come out at the beginning of every show and hit you upside the head with a hammer?

Zorak: I'd watch that show.

Moltar: And light your teeth on fire and puncture your eardrums with golf tees until your spinal fluid leaks out.

Space Ghost: Thank you, Moltar, but...

Zorak: Can I do the hammer part? You can do the lighting his teeth on fire part.

Moltar: No, I do the hammer.

Zorak: I do the hammer!

Moltar: (shouting) You ALWAYS do the hammer!

Zorak: (shouting) I'm the hammer! Me! Zorak is the hammer! Zorak is the hammer! (starts to spaz out)

Space Ghost: Alright, it's settled. Zorak is the hammer, Moltar, you suck.

Moltar: (disgusted sigh)

Space Ghost: Now, get off your metal ass and bring in my first guest...

(Monitor starts to lower from ceiling)

Space Ghost: ... but not right now. (monitor stops, halfway down) Hmmm. (Space Ghost ducks behind desk, making rustling noises)

Zorak: Where'd he go?

Space Ghost: (more rustling noises) Moltar, the louder, the funnier.

Moltar: (disgusted) What?

Space Ghost: Just do it.

Moltar: (throws lever)

Space Ghost: (more rustling and crackling noises) (hums to himself) I'm mumbling...

Moltar: What an ass.

Space Ghost: (more rustling and mumbling)

Zorak: (looks on; glances at camera momentarily)

Moltar: (reads a book while Space Ghost rustles and mumbles yet some more)

(Space Ghost finally stands up)

Space Ghost: Turn it off, Moltar, there's nothing in it.

(In control room, a blonde youth waves in on Moltar's monitor)

Moltar: Turning off in 20 (throws his lever) 19 .. 18 .. 17 .. 16 .. 15 (Space Ghost starts tapping his blue card each time Moltar counts) .. 14 .. 13 .. 12 .. 11 .. 10 .. 9 .. 8 .. 7 (Space Ghost taps his card twice, throwing off Moltar's counting) 6 .. 5'er (Space Ghost starts tapping faster) .. 4 .. 3 .. 2 .. 1 .. 0 (Throws his lever again: screen goes white, then returns) (Laughs) Alright, uh, let's see. (Throws his lever again)

Space Ghost: (taps his card) I can't believe you said "ass", Moltar.

Zorak: Space Ghost, you're an ass.

Space Ghost: (laughs) Mercy!

Zorak: (stares angrily)

Space Ghost: Love that line. Love that line. Now, what are we doing?

Moltar: (throws his lever, the control room monitor changes from Space Ghost to a test pattern, then to Todd Barry) Uh, I've got Todd Barry.

Space Ghost: Oh. (Looks at his blue card) Who's this guy, I've ne-. I've never seen him. Has he been on Russell Simmons?

Zorak: Uh... I don't know.

Space Ghost: Eh... Why don't we get him on the show? Screw Todd Barry. (Monitor lowers with Todd on the screen) We sure we need this guy?

Zorak: Quit lookin' at me!

Space Ghost: I've never even heard of this guy.

Todd Barry: (laughs) Um...

Space Ghost: Hey, Todd! Good to see ya!

Todd Barry: Thank you.

Space Ghost: (beat) (looks at his card) It says here you've got a car.

Todd Barry: Maybe I do, maybe I don't.

Space Ghost: Oh, you do. And it's nice. (whispers to camera) I washed it!

Todd Barry: Oh, gosh, thank you.

Space Ghost: Thank YOU.

(Crow flies across the stage and lands on Space Ghost's head and caws in the background)

Space Ghost: So, tell me about your private life.

Todd Barry: Uh...

Space Ghost: I wanna, I wanna find out personal details.

Todd Barry: I don't know.

Space Ghost: Answer me!

Todd Barry: Uh, I don't even know what I just said.

Space Ghost: Yeah, I wanna call you later at home, you'll have to give me your home number, because I'm gonna ask you how much they're paying you. (Crow hops onto Space Ghost's shoulder)

Todd Barry: A hundred ninety.

Space Ghost: You're kidding me. (Crow hops back onto Space Ghost's head) That's weird.

Todd Barry: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you?

Zorak: Uh, he said, "Screw you, you ass." (evil laugh)

Moltar: (laughs) Yeah, you're an ass!

Todd Barry: How'd you know my middle name?

(Crow hops down from Space Ghost's head, onto desk)

Space Ghost: Ah yes. (Crow caws; Space Ghost caws back; crow caws back) Todd, this crow is trying to tell us something.

(Crow runs across desk and off camera)

Todd Barry: No.

(Crow stands by curtains, cawing)

Todd Barry: Is that the space cops comin'?

Space Ghost: No, it's something about your car. (Runs over to crow, caws at it, the crow caws back) It's in danger.

Todd Barry: Are you serious?

Space Ghost: Crows aren't interested in you, they like cars.

Todd Barry: Hey, who doesn't?

Space Ghost: Shh! Hey, this is important. (The crow and Space Ghost caw back and forth at each other for a while) Hmm, I better check on your car. (flies off the set)

Zorak: Hey, baldy! (throws a bottle at the monitor; it breaks on impact)

Todd Barry: Heckling's uncool. (another bottle breaks on the monitor) Do you want people heckling you, while you're playing your keyboard.. guitar?

(Zorak throws another bottle)

(Outside, Space Ghost lands outside, next to Todd's car)

Space Ghost: Oh, that crow was full of (BLEEP), this car's perfectly safe. Hey! A grocery store. (walks off camera)

(Back on the set, Zorak throws another bottle, while the crow caws)

Todd Barry: THat's not very funny. (Zorak throws another bottle) I'm very tired, Moltar, Zolar, you know what I'm talking about. (Zorak throws another bottle) Zofar, you know what I'm talking about.

(Zorak throws another bottle; finally, the monitor goes black. Zorak throws another bottle, and hits the crow; it stops cawing. Then, it jumps up on Space Ghost's desk; dramatic music plays. Zorak looks surprised. The crow hops forward, and laser beams shoot out of its eye toward Zorak, who ducks into his keyboard pod for protection.)

(In the supermarket, Space Ghost is rubbing melons)

(Back on the set, the crow hops toward Zorak's keyboard pod. Zorak comes up behind him, brandishing his rifle)

Zorak: Get your ass over here! (Dramatic music plays, Zorak fires his rifle at the crow, who makes a backward flip, and fires laser blasts back at Zorak) Now! (fires at the crow, who hops behind Space Ghost's desk, then pops up and blasts Zorak again. The cross fire continues)

(In the control room, Moltar talks to Todd Barry on his monitor)

Moltar: Hell, even at the comic shop here in town, like the Moltar action figure is marked down fifty percent.

Todd Barry: No.

Moltar: It's the only one.

Todd Barry: That's more of this exposure thing you were asking me about?

Moltar: Well, they want, like, thirteen bucks for it, so I guess they're selling it for, like, six-fifty or something.

Todd Barry: Nah.

Moltar: Sad.

(Back on the set, the crow is sitting on Space Ghost's desk, facing away from Zorak, who comes up from behind.)

Zorak: Right here, buddy. (Shoots at the crow; the crow flies at Zorak, knocking him down; it then starts pecking at his eyes)

(Back in the control room)

Moltar: I don't know, the Zorak one is fourteen ninety-five, so...

Todd Barry: Ah.

Moltar: I mean, they didn't even price Moltars. (Set rocks from an explosion) I mean, they're all supposed to be priced the same.

(Back on the set, Zorak laughs, as he chews on the the crow's head.)

Todd Barry: Do you have some food for me?

Zorak: (stops chewing) Hmm? Uh uh. (continues eating the crow)

Todd Barry: Hey, come on.

(Space Ghost flies back to his desk)

Space Ghost: I, I never shut my refrigerator door. I just ... (looks at Zorak) Oooh, gimme some of that!

Zorak: (stops chewing) Hmmm? Nah.

Todd Barry: What food are you gonna get? Can you get Thai food? I really like Thai food.

Space Ghost: Zorak, Moltar: huddle up.

(Harp music with scene transition; Moltar, Space Ghost and Zorak are now holding hands)

Space Ghost: This guy's obviously hungry, but we shouldn't have to share our food. Zorak, you tell him. You'll make it funny. On two. Ready? Break! (Zorak says nothing) Ready... Break! Ready...

Zorak: Hey, funny man! Got a joke for ya.

Todd Barry: What would that be, I'm afraid to hear this one.

Zorak: You're not getting any of our (BLEEP)ing crow.

(Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak all laugh)

Space Ghost: Well, thanks for coming on.

Todd Barry: That's it?

Space Ghost: Yup.

Todd Barry: Come on.

Space Ghost: How about a big hand for the hungry comedian? (Space Ghost blasts the monitor; Todd Barry is replaced by a giant eye.) Isn't he great? Aw, hell. Damn it.

Moltar: What?

Space Ghost: The bees; I forgot to tell the bees! (flies off the set)

Later...

(Next to a dumpster surrounded by a swarm of bees)

Space Ghost: Thank you, bees. I am looking forward to it. Oh, that's very kind of you, bees. Dicky said I could. What do you mean? I did too pay you back! Look, Jack, that is such BS. What do you want from me?!

(Transition to Todd Barry's car, now surrounded by bees)

Space Ghost: It's got low mileage, and it does pull to the right.

(The car drives off suddenly. Banjo music plays, and we see the view through the windshield as the car roars down the street, through a stop sign, and finally crashing. The screen goes black)

Space Ghost: (off camera) Okay then.

(Closing credits)

(Back in the commissary)

Space Ghost: And so, that's the story of the birds and the bees.

Moltar: So, that car crash was a metaphor for when the male sperm hits the ovum?

Space Ghost: What? No, bees steal cars.

Moltar: Oh, so the crow that shot lasers at Zorak - that was the metaphoric sperm.

Space Ghost: Metaslarphic... Crows shoot lasers! Pay attention! (Beat)

Zorak: Why don't you put your clothes back on?

Space Ghost: Never!

© 2003 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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