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:WAITING

(Altered opening theme; Alfrieda's voice is slowed down without changing the frequency. Sonny's guitar playing is omitted, and Alfrieda's singing at the end returns to normal.)

(Space Ghost invisos in on the set)

(Zorak stares at Space Ghost, then the camera, then back to Space Ghost)

Space Ghost (SG):

(now sitting at his desk) On tonight's show -

William Shatner (WS):

(off camera, on the monitor, in very strained voice, without moving his lips) Can you hear me? Can you hear... Can you take me... Can you get my message? Do you hear what I'm saying? (exhales)

SG:

William Shatner!

WS:

That's incorrect.

SG:

Bill Shatman!

WS:

No.

SG:

(looking at his blue card, squinting)

WS:

(gestures toward himself) I'm the space guy. I'm Captain Kirk.

SG:

Outer space shows are for children and stupid people.

WS:

What are you, some -

SG:

Hang on, Shaq.

WS:

How can we -

SG:

(quietly) Let me just, um, rub my eyes here, for a moment. (Puts his head in his hand. grimacing) Oh, man. (turns his head back and forth several times, and grits his teeth) Oh, do I itch.

WS:

I thought, that I was, I was coming here to publicize.. some of my projects, I'm ...

SG:

(shakes his head back and forth very rapidly) Ow, I shouldn't be itching like this. Oh, man.

WS:

I have the urge to leave.

SG:

Really.

WS:

Yeah.

SG:

Food court's downstairs if you want to scope out some eye candy, Bill.

WS:

(laughs) Funny, funny how those words came out of you, and, (pointing at his temple) and it shows you the mind meld is working.

SG:

Bang a left past the four-dimensional bielectric transfer portal. Here, I'll open it for ya. I forgot how primative you are. (presses one of his power band buttons)

(A four-dimensional bielectric transfer portal is on the set, next to the monitor. A door opens on the front, with the same sound effect as an original Star Trek door. The interior is a swirling light pattern, with ethereal music in the background. Suddenly, a leprechaun from Leprauchpolis pops out.)

SG:

You should really get one of these on your show. Oh wait, you don't have a show. (Scoots his chair closer to the monitor) You don't have a show. (laughs) (Multiple images of SG appear on Bill's monitor, all chanting "You don't have a show!")

(Zorak is playing the keyboard, apparently responsible for the ethereal music. He stops playing.)

SG:

(laughing) Hey, remember that one Space Trek episode where your show got cancelled? Remember that one?

WS:

No. I remember nothing about Star -

(Alarm goes off, with red lights flashing. The camera changes in sequence: Moltar in the control room, watching a Dino Boy cartoon on his monitor; Zorak in his keyboard pod; Bill on the monitor; The leprechaun; Space Ghost)

SG:

Double red alert! That sound means it's time for my death struggle with Zorak.

Moltar (M):

Uh, Space Ghost... (throws lever up and down, cancelling the alarm sound and lights) Zorak had to cancel.

SG:

What!

M:

Says he's got a heating and air conditioning guy comin' over to his house to blow out his ducts.

SG:

Huh.

Zorak (Z):

(sitting in his keyboard pod, looking at Space Ghost)

M:

Uh, sorry.

SG:

You mind covering for him?

M:

What do you mean?

SG:

Go by his house and let the guy in. That way, the death struggle happens and the ducts get blown.

M:

Yeah, well, I don't have a key.

SG:

Why don't you get a key then?

M:

I don't have a key.

SG:

Why don't you get a key then?

M:

(beat) I don't have a key.

SG:

(flies from his desk; he walks in behind Moltar, surprising him) Why don't you get a key then?

M:

Wha! (Beat) I don't have a -

SG:

Why don't you get a -

(Bill is now on Moltar's monitor)

M:

- key.

SG:

- key then?

Z:

(enters the control room) I have a key.

SG:

Why don't you get -

Z:

I have a key.

SG:

Moltar, give Moltar your key, and then you and I can go fight that duct guy.

Z:

I don't wanna give Moltar my key.

SG:

(sighs)

Z:

They're hard to make!

SG:

Okay, I'll go fight the guy. Happy!? (flies off)

WS:

Why am I on this show?

(Back on the set; Bill is on the monitor, and the doors to the four-dimensional bielectric transfer portal are now closed. Moltar and Zorak walk over to Space Ghost's desk; Moltar sits down, and the leprechaun pops into the scene.)

M:

(clears his throat) Thank you all for being here. My guest -

Z:

(interrupts Moltar) So, uh, Bill... (looking at his notes) You like blue boobs better? Or green ones?

M:

(to Zorak, under his breath) Shut up, idiot!

WS:

I don't know, uh, this is very strange. You guys are frightening me a little bit, I gotta tell you.

M:

My guest tonight, the great William Shatner! William Shatner, everybody.

WS:

Yes, kudos to me, and congratulations.

M:

Mr. Shatner, I gotta tell you (raises his hand, making the "hook 'em horns" gesture): Trek rules, Wars drools!

WS:

There was a, there's a great deal of similarity between Star Wars and Star Trek, I've gotta admit.

M:

Like what?

WS:

Space.

M:

(looks left and right) Which leads me to the question on everyone's mind -

Z:

(interrupts again) Why is everyone on Star Trek black?

WS:

(looks like he is about to answer)

M:

Shut up, Zorak.

Z:

(looking at his notes) What've you got against white people?

M:

Zorak, shut up.

Z:

Huh?

WS:

I guess we're not on the same wavelength.

M:

My, my question is: (quietly) can I have your autograph?

WS:

I don't sign... my name... anymore.

M:

Okay.

WS:

Yeah. I have a business manager to do that.

M:

(nervous laugh)

WS:

Would you like my business manager's signature?

M:

What, are you kiddin' me? Great!

WS:

(chuckles)

(In Zorak's house. There are two workers there, one in a blue jumpsuit, one in a red one. The red suited character hits the wall with his hammer six times, but stops and turns toward the door when he hears a noise outside. He hits the wall five more times, then stops again when he hears noise again. He hits the wall seven more times, when Space Ghost suddenly breaks the door down.)

SG:

Aha! (in his best superhero voice) Look here, air conditioning and heating guy! It's time for Space Ghost to blow YOUR ducts. (The red guy starts hammering on the wall again.)

SG:

En guard! (He attacks the blue guy, who brandishes a hammer. It is revealed that large boulders are scattered around Zorak's living room. Dramatic music plays, as they hop around the room onto furniture, chasing each other. Space Ghost knocks over a lamp, breaking it. The blue guy hops onto a rock and jumps down.)

(Camera switches back to the studio. Moltar is sitting at Space Ghost's desk, reading aloud from a book to Bill)

M:

And as the Enterprise began its gentle orbing around the planet Vulcan, uh, It was then Kirk, uh, done to... (flips pages) knew the Federation would survive! (flips pages again) Uh, let's see... The End. So... whattya think?

WS:

Well... (sighs)

M:

Not bad for fan fiction, huh?

WS:

I'm afraid to tell you -

Z:

That's not the story you wrote!

M:

Yes it is!

Z:

Your story had naked men in it.

M:

Hmph! The laser clothes were his powers!

Z:

Bouncin' around.

M:

I had to undress him to... disarm him.

Z:

So why didn't he just use lasers?

M:

Hmph! It was a time before lasers!

Z:

(laughs) (talking in a hick voice) "It was a time before lasers!"

M:

You just need to shut up! (Walks off stage)

Z:

(to Bill) So, uh, blue boobs or green boobs?

WS:

You guys are just making me feel very uncomfortable.

(Back at Zorak's house. Space Ghost is hiding behind a large upright boulder)

SG:

Aha! (Dramatic music starts again. Space Ghost leaps toward blue guy, and throws a small boulder at him, knocking over the ottoman. They both jump around some more, knocking over lamps and other things. Space Ghost pauses for a few quick breaths, then jumps back and picks up a large boulder) You're mine, duct guy! (He chases the blue guy across the room, toward the red guy, who is still hitting the wall with his hammer.)

(Back to the studio. Bill stairs as eerie music plays. The camera pans to Zorak's keyboard pod, where we see Zorak playing a theremin.)

WS:

Zorak, didn't you and I fight to the death?

Z:

(stops playing and looks at Bill) That sounds pretty dumb, man. (Resumes playing the theremin)

WS:

I did, I killed him.

(In the control room. The blonde guy is on Moltar's monitor. Moltar throws the switch back and forth, Bill appears on the screen)

WS:

I fought Zorak to the death, I thought.

M:

So, uh, you know what I was wondering... Nichelle Nichols ever hit on you?

WS:

(laughing, he touches his mouth and then opens and closes his hand like he is squeezing something.)

M:

Boungy boungy. (laughs)

WS:

(laughs) I put it on stun quite a bit.

M:

All right.

(Back at Zorak's house. Dramatic music plays, and Space Ghost is still chasing the blue guy with the boulder, as the red guy looks on. Finally, Space Ghost grunts and throws the boulder at the blue guy, flattening him. The music stops.)

SG:

Oh no! OH NO!! I killed my best friend ever! (Sad music swells) Why do we always hurt the ones we love? Why, Herve, why? Herve, Herve, HERVE!!!!! (flexes his muscles) (The music stops)

Red Guy (RG):

Hey, his name was Fernando, man.

SG:

Where's Herve?

RG:

I'm Herve!

(Space Ghost starts to fight Herve; they both lunge for the rock which is on Fernando)

(In the control room.)

WS:

I love a good donkey.

M:

Yeah.

WS:

You can take a donkey by the ear (makes grabbing gesture with his fists) and hold on tight,,,

M:

Uh, okay...

WS:

... and ride across the range, and look really rather romantic.

M:

(chuckles)

WS:

While you hold onto the ear, and you're riding bareback.

M:

(excited) You ever been to a donkey show, Bill?!

SG:

(off camera) Moltar!

(Moltar throws his switch; his monitor now shows Space Ghost sitting at his desk, with his costume torn and a hook stuck in the top of his head)

SG:

I'm... backner?

Z:

Hey, you finish blowin' my ducts?

SG:

Sure, they're finished. I have scars.

M:

Big deal, Space Ghost. Mr. Shatner here was wounded three times in the Tek Wars.

SG:

Yeah, right.

M:

It's true!

WS:

That's correct. I'm -

SG:

Let's see some scars.

WS:

I beg your pardon?

SG:

Prove it, tough guy, let's see some scars.

WS:

I, I did...

SG:

Prove it!

WS:

I did, uh...

SG:

Prove it!

WS:

I don't think...

SG:

Prove it! (motions with his power bands)

WS:

(beat) I'll have to take my pants off.

M:

Bill!! It's a trap!

SG:

Moltar, knock it off.

M:

But his pants are lasers, and he'll be defenseless!

SG:

(beat) You and I need to have a talk. (Blood runs into Space Ghost's left eye; a droning sound swells in the background)

M:

Uh...

SG:

In private. (Space Ghost invisos to the control room) (In a gruff voice) What do you want?

M:

Pfft! You called me.

SG:

Moltar...

M:

Hey, uh, you got a giant metal hook stickin' outta your head.

SG:

Enough of your lies! Moltar, I'm worried about this supercomputer situation.

M:

You know you're, you're bleedin' there.

SG:

It's computing things that I don't like, quite frankly.

M:

That's a TV monitor!

SG:

(beat) What's that your wearing?

M:

I, uh...

SG:

It's so sexy and skin-tight, Moltar.

M:

S-space Ghost, I, I don't even want ...

SG:

This supercomputer needs to be destroyed. (Space Ghost reaches into his costume and pulls out a large rock, and starts bashing Moltar's console)

M:

No-no-no-no-no, what are you doing, what are you doing, what are you doing!?

SG:

Confound it, I'm left with but one choice.

M:

Great Scott, Space Ghost, not another rock!

SG:

Even better! (reaches into his costume, and pulls out a rock) This is the first rock! (bashes the console some more; Bill grimaces on the monitor)

M:

No! Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?!

SG:

I am confusing the supercomputer with logic! When it thinks I'm going to hit it with a rock,

WS:

It's in my hands...

(Space Ghost bashes the console some more; finally the screen cracks. Then, two slices of toast pop up.)

(Space Ghost invisos back to his desk. the monitor is blank, showing occasional static)

SG:

That -

(The leprechaun pops out from behind Space Ghost's desk, then flies off camera)

SG:

That supercomputer was no match... for my... patented... hmm, something.

WS:

(off camera) Space Ghost... (static) Space Ghost... (static) Space Ghost...

(Pan to Zorak, who has large green Vulcan-like ears.)

Z:

(speaking with Bill's voice) I've noticed you really don't have the intelligence to be a really big star.

(Space Ghost looks at Zorak, at the camera, and back at Zorak)

Z:

(with Bill's voice) Space Ghost...

SG:

Something feels... (blood runs from his eye under his mask, he wipes it off) different.

Z:

(with Bill's voice) I'm beginning to enjoy being on your show, more than Jay Leno.

SG:

(starts yanking on the hook which is stuck in his head. He pulls himself over onto the floor.) Ow. Zorak, give me a hand here, would ya?

(Zorak walks over to Space Ghost's desk; his Vulcan ears are gone now. Space Ghost is back sitting in his desk. Zorak grunts and pulls on the hook; he finally yanks it out.

SG:

Ow! (A geyser of blood squirts out of Space Ghost's head from where the hook was.)

Z:

Wow!

SG:

Okay, put it back in!

Z:

Jackpot!

SG:

Put it back it!

(Zorak jams the hook back in, the blood geyser stops)

SG:

What is that thing on my head?

Z:

It's a crown? You're the king.

(Bill Shatner is back in the monitor)

SG:

That's right. I'm the king.

(Space Ghost stands up, hobbles toward Zorak, then falls over in front of the desk.)

SG:

(leaning up on his elbows) Hey, rocket man, one more thing.

WS:

Yes.

SG:

I'd like to name my own price for your big sweet ass. (laughs)

(Credits roll.)

WS:

(metallic echo) It's in my hands...

© 2003 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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