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(Opening theme and titles. While pulling back from window, the camera tilts down to focus on chair.)

(Space Ghost invisos in, the camera focused on his crotch while the end of the theme song repeats on a loop.)

Space Ghost (SG):

Err, Moltar? (waves out of frame) Moltar? (loop increases in speed and pitch) Hey! Dummy!

(In control room, Moltar and Zorak are smoking joints and drinking tallboys. The room is filled with smoke. Crumpled cans are scattered on the floor, along with an ashtray and a boom box.)

(Moltar looks at the screen and laughs.)

Zorak (Z):

Ahhhhh, this is sweet.

SG:

(invisos into control room) What's going on in here?

Moltar (M):

We're drinking, so what?

Z:

Yeah, what's it to ya?

M:

Care for a tallboy?

SG:

Moltar--

M:

What are you going to do, spank us?

Z:

You ain't our dad.

SG:

(kicks boom box out of shot, silencing it) Moltar, are you aware of the health risks caused by tallboys?

M:

(burps) Uhh, yeah, but (with emphasis) it makes you feel like a cowboy! (drinks)

SG:

It does?

(Long beat. Eerie music as Space Ghost holds up a tallboy.)

(Set. Space Ghost is riding the monitor like a bronco to the accompaniment of fiddle music. Crumpled cans litter the studio floor. Space Ghost laughs and carries on like he's in "Urban Cowboy." After a while the monitor stops bucking and Space Ghost leaps off, landing behind desk.)

SG:

Woo! (stands back up, beat) Surfboard! (leaps on top of desk, makes surf noises with his mouth)

(Control room. The floor is clean now, but there is a lot more smoke. A psychedelic Carrot Top poster is on the wall.)

Z:

He's gonna hurt himself. Probably fatally.

(They both laugh.) (Set. Space Ghost's surfing session winds down. He looks behind him at monitor, which shows static.)

SG:

Shark! (flies offscreen to drum set, where he hits bass drum a few times) Eh heh heh. (hits cymbal)

(Space Ghost at drum set. With his hands he does Christy's drum fill on toms, ending with snare and cymbal.)

SG:

(holds up tallboy) Good stuff.

(Zorak walks over, Space Ghost hits him in the beak with empty can and Zorak grunts. Space Ghost laughs.)

Z:

I think you've had enough.

(Space Ghost hits Zorak in the beak with another empty can.)

SG:

What do you think of that?

Z:

I think I don't care.

SG:

You'll care about this.

Z:

Care about what?

(Grunting, Space Ghost tackles Zorak and pins him to the floor, then forcibly kisses him.)

SG:

That you are now my girlfriend and we are going out twelve times.

Z:

Wha--?

(Space Ghost stands up and walks away, laughing.)

(Wide shot of desk and monitor, which has a can on top of it. Jeff Probst is also on monitor, waiting. Space Ghost walks into shot and stops in front of desk.)

(Jeff Probst sighs.)

(Space Ghost abruptly walks off, kicking cans as he goes.)

SG:

(disoriented) Tall ice cream?

(Control room. Moltar is in there alone. Jeff is on monitor, which also has a game of pong going on. Reggae music plays. Space Ghost walks in.)

SG:

Moltar!

M:

What?

(Space Ghost kicks him in the shin and runs off giggling. Moltar expels smoke from his helmet and watches him go.)

(Set. Space Ghost runs back on, kicking cans.)

SG:

(to Jeff) You seen my drink? (Jeff stares at him) You better not have drank it.

(Control room. Moltar is at the console. Reggae music still plays. Space Ghost's head pops up in monitor.)

SG:

Moltar!

M:

(annoyed) What?

SG:

You seen my drink?

M:

Duh-- Maybe you should drink some water.

SG:

(angry) You drink some water with your ass!

(Disgusted, Moltar pulls this lever. We see a quick flash of Carl the Cartoonist and kids from "Story Book" looking at camera. Moltar recoils.)

M:

Bah!

(Set. It is empty save for Jeff on monitor. Hammering is heard, along with some growling. The lights dim briefly. A power saw is plugged in and turned on.)

(Jeff waits patiently.)

(The lights dim again, followed by more hammering. After a beat, Space Ghost falls in through the ceiling. Jeff watches him fall.)

SG:

Woo hoo!

(Zorak stares at Jeff from his keyboard pod. A large joint is in his hand.)

(Empty shot of desk. Space Ghost drinks a can of beer behind it, sighs and rises into view, tallboy in hand.)

SG:

Woo! Great party. (looks at Zorak) Great party, man.

Z:

(stares back, croaks) Tool. (coughs, looks away)

(Space Ghost stares at Zorak. Beat.)

Jeff Probst (JP):

(nods) Good to be on, Space Ghost.

(Space Ghost looks at him.)

Z:

(offscreen) Space Tool.

(Space Ghost looks back at Zorak.)

JP:

Uhh, I am Jeff Probst, of...

(Space Ghost looks at him.)

JP:

I host a show called "Survivor."

SG:

May I call you Barb?

JP:

Barb? As a person?

SG:

(crouching behind desk, low voice) Shh, be quiet. (sound of glass tinkling) What was that? (sound of a low growl)

(Zorak turns head to stare at Space Ghost.)

(Space Ghost looks up, listens to growling.)

JP:

Have you seen the show "Survivor," Space Ghost?

SG:

Uhh, yeah. A bunch of guys killin' each other.

JP:

Well, it's a mixture of guys and girls.

SG:

(sitting up) Dancin' around, killin' each other.

(He throws a can at monitor, hears more growling. Then he stands up with shotgun and fires randomly seven times into the ceiling. Growl in distance.)

Z:

Hey, now we be trippin'.

(Space Ghost is seated with shotgun at the ready. Low growl.)

JP:

You run a real loose ship.

(Space Ghost rises and shoots four times into ceiling. The bear from "Kentucky Nightmare" falls to floor. Space Ghost shoots it three times, point blank, killing it. Beat.)

(Heavenly music plays as the ghost of the bear rises from the carcass.)

Z:

(offscreen) Trippin', I tells ya!

(Bear's ghost ascends out of frame.)

SG:

What do you think of that?

JP:

(laughs, nodding) That's neat! Kind of like Vegas.

SG:

I love you, guest. That's what's neat.

(Space Ghost has lost the shotgun and is holding out his arms, ready for a hug.)

SG:

(blinks) Come here. (blinks)

JP:

Space Ghost, I'm as close to you right now as I want to be.

(Space Ghost rises. Beat.)

SG:

Worm!

(Shot of blue curtain. Space Ghost does the worm from left to right, grunting the whole way.)

JP:

Yeah, that's neat.

(Space Ghost does the worm back from right to left, then collapses at the center of frame, exhausted. He lifts his head up and burps.)

JP:

Wow!

(Space Ghost burps longer.)

(Jeff smiles.)

(Space Ghost burps an extra long time, then forces out one more.)

JP:

(laughs) That is impressive! Oh, my gosh!

(Space Ghost runs back behind desk.)

JP:

You probably do okay with the ladies!

SG:

Oh, hell yeah! Robot! (does robot, making robot noises for about 15 seconds)

JP:

Yeah, you would have been great in a fraternity.

(Space Ghost gets stuck doing one robot motion repeatedly.)

JP:

Is anybody actually monitoring this show?

(Control room. It's hard to see through all of the smoke. Space Ghost continues doing the robot in the monitor. The reggae music still plays. Moltar takes a sip of his tallboy and the lets out a loud fart.)

M:

(looks at camera) Oh, pardon me! (laughs, looks away) Don't come in here. (takes another sip)

(Set.)

JP:

I mean, I know you have a (makes quotes with fingers) "director." Is he actually...

(Space Ghost shakes up a can of beer.)

JP:

Does he do anything or does--?

SG:

Shut up, little man! (sprays monitor with foam) Dah! You have a drinking problem, don't I? (flies into ceiling) Woo! (falls down onto desk and then onto floor, knocking himself out)

(Jeff looks down at him and nods. Space Ghost begins to snore.)

JP:

Hmm.

(Space Ghost snores loudly with his mouth open, occasionally coughing. Zorak springs into shot with a Council of Doom flag on a long pole. The flag is blue with a white skull over the letters "CD," which are in green. He plants the flagpole in Space Ghost's butt. Space Ghost flinches, but doesn't wake up. He coughs. Zorak lights a match and sets Space Ghost on fire.)

SG:

(still sleeping) Mmello?

Z:

Heh. He is f(BLEEP)ed up.

JP:

(nodding) That's what it is!

(Zorak starts to urinate on Space Ghost to put him out.)

JP:

I knew there was something when I-- You know, when I first saw him that just didn't sit right.

(Space Ghost is put out, his suit and face besooted. He snores briefly, then opens his eyes, coughing as Zorak sprays him one last time. Space Ghost lifts his head.)

SG:

You real, Probst?

JP:

I am real.

SG:

Me?

JP:

(nodding) You're real. You guys are real.

SG:

Oh, good. I love you.

JP:

Umm...

SG:

Seriously.

(Jeff laughs nervously.)

SG:

Seriously, I love you.

JP:

(beat) I love you, too.

(Space Ghost throws a can at monitor.)

SG:

Shut up, little man. It'll never-- (vomits spray of green liquid) --Work. (vomits again, collapses to floor)

JP:

Space Ghost, are you all right?

(Space Ghost lifts his head and vomits again.)

SG:

Uhh, I think I'm going to be sick. (lowers head and grunts, then looks up again) Hey, you want some wings?

JP:

(shaking head) I'm not interested.

SG:

I'll go get 'em. I can drive.

(Shot of Phantom Cruiser doing a loop-de-loop in the air.)

SG:

(offscreen) Woo's a great party!

(Phantom Cruiser crashes into mountain with big explosion.)

(Black. After a long beat, mournful music plays.)

(Fade in on Phantom Cruiser impaled on a jagged rock. Space Ghost has been thrown from the cockpit and is lying on the ground. His right arm is detached and is a few feet from his body, his left leg is bent backwards at the knee. Zorak's flag is still sticking out of his butt. Zoom in.)

(Space Ghost's ghost rises from his carcass, shaking its head. It rises out of frame, the ghost flag still planted in its butt.)

(Blue sky and clouds. Space Ghost's ghost rises into frame.)

SG:

Great party.

(Similar shot. Space Ghost's ghost rises into frame.)

SG:

Great party, man!

(Music stops as Space Ghost's ghost comes to rest of top of a cloud. Space Ghost looks around.)

(Bear walks up to him on cloud.)

SG:

This is a great--

(Bear pulls shotgun and shoots Space Ghost out of frame.)

(Credits roll)

SG:

You want hot or mild? We'll get half and half.

© 2003 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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