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Original Air Date:January 10, 2004
Guest Star:Triumph The Insult Comic Dog
Trivia:Special thanks to Craig Clark for providing this transcript.

Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

(Desert planet. In a wide shot, Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak are sitting at their usual commissary table by a campfire. A hooting owl can be heard. A shooting star falls.)
(Space Ghost is holding his head.)
Moltar (M): Are we still canoeing later?
Space Ghost (SG): (quickly jerking head up) I'm awake! (sips his coffee)
Zorak (Z): No time for canoeing. We have a foundation to--
SG: (interrupting) What was he about to say, Moltar?
M: Well, we run a foundation for inner-city Chinese children, ehh, who we first fire-proof, and then we set 'em on fire to see if it worked -- and it often does.
(As he talks, we hear a wolf howl off in the distance.)
SG: Huh. People pay you for this?
Z: They pay us to put 'em out.
SG: I was talking to Moltar!
(Wide shot. We hear the first four notes of the theme, but it immediately fades out. Another shooting star falls.)
(Phantom Cruiser. Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak are flying back to Ghost Planet. The view is reflected in Moltar's visor.)
SG: Well, I have a better foundation, but you'll have to miss your foundation activities if you want to see how good mine is.
M: Hey, what's your foundation about?
SG: You don't know because I don't-- I not know. But one thing's for sure, there's gonna be animals!
(Exterior of Phantom Cruiser. We hear the same four notes of the theme.)
(Set. There is static on the monitor.)
SG: Moltar, where are the animals?
(Control room.)
M: Umm, what animals?
SG: (on monitor) You see, Moltar...
SG: Kids are more likely to trust their investments with animals.
Z: We could just get some poor people and treat 'em like animals.
SG: Zorak, write this down: No.
(Zorak stares back at him.)
(Control room.)
SG: (on monitor) Moltar, get me Lassie so I can raise money for retardos.
M: Okay.
(He pulls lever. "FEED SEARCH STANDBY" pops up on screen briefly, followed by quick shots of George W. Bush on CNN, Mujibar and Sirajul from "Hungry," and a can of Diddley Squat, finishing up on Lassie, who barks a few times.)
(Set. Space Ghost watches as Lassie barks a couple more times.)
SG: Moltar, how much money's come in?
(Control room. On the monitor it says "TOTAL $0000.00" over the shot of Lassie.)
M: (pointing at total) Uhh, none. None money.
SG: That is such b.s. I told--
Z: Hey, brother! Hey, brother!
SG: What?
Z: You want to make a lot of money?
SG: How? Blow this dog up?
Z: Umm...
SG: There's probably a lot of money in that.
(Lassie looks confused.)
Z: Okay, yeah. Sure.
(Lassie barks and Space Ghost blasts him into a cartoon puff of smoke.)
SG: Uhh, Moltar. Now how much money?
(Control room.)
M: Uhh... (garbled) none.
SG: (on monitor) Get me a cuter animal!
M: Okay, I'm on it.
(Set. On the monitor, "FEED SEARCH STANDBY" pops up again, then Triumph the Insult Comic Dog fades in. Over the course of the interview, he gains and loses his cigar repeatedly.)
Triumph (T): Good evening, folks. I don't know what to say--
SG: Hello, little fella! What's your name?
T: Oh, yes. Here we go.
SG: (in cutesy voice) What's your name, poochie?
T: Don't (BLEEP) with me.
SG: Ooh, doggie's got teeth.
T: Get to the plug.
SG: Oh, my.
T: Get to the (BLEEP)ing plug already.
SG: What's your name, little fella?
T: Look, you want to know about the dog, you come over here and smell my ass like everybody else.
SG: Fair enough. (flies off)
(Zorak stares at monitor. There is the sound of someone walking up behind Triumph, kneeling down and sniffing.)
T: What's going on here? What are you--
(Space Ghost's head pops up behind Triumph.)
SG: Bring it closer. (goes down again)
T: (repositioning himself) Fine.
(Control room. Moltar watches as Space Ghost sniffs Triumph's behind.)
T: (on monitor) This is the lowest point in my career since I was groped by that (BLEEP)ing ALF puppet.
M: Sorry.
T: Anyway... (lowers head, sighs)
(Set. On monitor, Triumph hears a cel phone ringing.)
T: What the hell?
SG: (muffled) Mm hmm?
T: Are you kidding?
SG: Oh, hey.
T: Holy (BLEEP).
(Zorak turns his head to look.)
SG: No, I don't have a cold, but my nose /is/ shoved up a dog's ass.
T: What is this, eh?
SG: I'm in space. Where'd you think I was?
T: What, is that where we are? Space?
SG: Shh.
T: (mocking) Ooh, we're in outer space!
SG: (popping up again) Please shut up, dog. I'm on the phone.
T: Space Ghost-- Get to the plug.
SG: (muffled) Uh huh.
T: Let's talk about my beautiful singing voice.
SG: I count seven creases.
T: What?
SG: Hang on, I'll send you a picture.
T: Uhh... (flash goes off)
SG: Did you get the picture?
T: Ehh...
SG: Thank you. (invisos back to set, waves) That dog's ass had some great promotional offers.
T: Who watches this show?
SG: Don't know.
T: Anybody?
SG: Not sure.
T: Seriously?
SG: Seriously!
(Long beat.)
T: There's more heat on the crap I left in your dressing room than in this show.
SG: Hang on. (into com) What do I want this dog to do, Moltar?
M: (on com) I think you wanted him to be the mascot for your foundation.
SG: Thank you.
T: What, are you looking for a boyfriend now?
SG: (into com) But I want Lassie to be the mascot for my foundation.
(Control room.)
M: Lassie is dead.
SG: (on monitor) Ahh, damn it.
T: 12:15 on Sunday night, good for you. Holy (BLEEP).
SG: (into com) Can we rebuild him?
M: (on com) Uhh, I don't know. Maybe.
SG: Thank you. Good news, everybody. We're rebuilding Lassie. (to Triumph) You ever work with Lassie?
T: If by "working" you mean "bang up the ass," yes, I have worked with her.
SG: (laughs nervously, to Zorak) Did you hear what that guy said?
Z: (after a beat) No.
SG: He said he banged a dog up the you-know-what.
Z: (after a beat) No.
SG: Can you say "bang a dog up the ass" on TV?
Z: (after a long beat, nods) No.
SG: Anything happen?
Z: Umm, I think some money came in.
SG: Really? Hang on. (clears throat) Okay. (to camera) I, too, banged a dog up the a--
(Quick cutaway to "PLEASE STAND BY" signal over Ghost Planet Industries drawing from "Story Book," with pleasant music.)
(Control room. "PLEASE STAND BY" in on monitor. Space Ghost has his hands on his hips.)
SG: Oh, come on, Moltar. It's not like it was alive or anything.
M: They can take you off the air for that kind of shit-- Er, I mean, stuff.
SG: When did you become such a puritan?
(Space Ghost invisos back to set.)
T: Can we talk about some of the songs for a second?
SG: Sure, we can talk about anything.
T: Yes.
SG: So long as Sister Mary Moltar isn't in the room.
(Control room.)
M: Tch, you're really digging yourself a really deep hole.
SG: (on monitor) A hole that I will bang my way out--
(Moltar pulls the lever, bringing "PLEASE STAND BY" back up, with music. It fills screen for a few seconds. When we come back to control room, Space Ghost is in there again.)
SG: Calm down with this religion.
M: You know, all this salty language, see, it ain't helping the foun--
SG: All I know, Moltar, is I am trying to create a retardo-free society.
(On the monitor, Triumph's face is being sniffed by a white dog puppet.)
M: Well, you'll probably have the thanks of all the retarded people watching.
SG: They're not retarded, Moltar. "Retardo" is the name of the disease, okay? I named it.
(On the monitor, Triumph is now vigorously humping the white dog.)
SG: And tonight, with this cute little dog's help... we're going to find a cure.
T: (on monitor) Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
(Space Ghost invisos out.)
M: Space Ghost--
T: (looking at camera) What, is the song over? (dismounts white dog) Okay, okay. Nobody told me, nobody told me. Thanks, bitch.
SG: Nice!
T: I'm sorry, I thought the show...
SG: (to Zorak) And this was your idea for show six.
(Zorak stares back.)
T: Let's talk about something nice. Let's talk about my beautiful singing voice. Right?
SG: Okay.
T: We've got a lot of cool songs on the album that break the lid off the dog industry, like "Benji's Queer." Why don't you play a little of it, Space Ghost?
SG: Moltar?
(Control room.)
M: Umm. You know, we...can't.
SG: (on monitor) Why not, Mommy?
T: (offscreen) Screw him!
M: There's just a lot of...
T: (overlapping) I've got a song about him, too!
M: ...questionable content.
T: Oh, yes!
SG: (on monitor) Well, here's a question: Play the song or you're fired! (to camera) And when I say "fired," I mean your job will be given to someone who can bang it up the ass pro--
("PLEASE STAND BY" and music, very briefly.)
(Control room.)
M: Man, they will shut us down.
SG: Well, I bet Zorak doesn't care. Zorak, get in here! You're director now!
M: Now, wait a second. Wh-what about me?
SG: You will lick my shiny boots, for you are now my dog on a leash.
(Zorak has arrived in control room with a pair of large headphones.)
Z: Ahem. I'm ready to direct, sir. You'll need these headphones.
T: (on monitor) Zorak. Oh, (BLEEP).
(Set. Space Ghost is listening to Zorak's directions through headphones.)
SG: Mm hmm. Okay.
(Moltar is standing next to the desk on a leash, his hands behind his back.)
SG: Do you have pets, Triumph, like the one I'm showing you?
T: Ehh, yeah, I've got a... Do worms in your ass count as pets?
SG: Hang on. (listening) Mm hmm?
(In control room, Zorak is muttering gibberish.)
SG: Good. Yes, they do.
T: I've got about eight roundworm in there. Frederick is, eh, he's the shy one.
SG: (listening) Uh huh.
T: He just likes to eat.
SG: Well, I love to eat worms. Out of people's asses!
T: Uhh, ehh, uhh...
SG: Hold on, he's laughing.
T: Uhh...
SG: On the subway.
T: How did you get your job?
SG: (to Moltar) Tell him, dog. (tugs leash) Tell him, dog.
M: Uhh. Scooby Doo.
SG: That's a good dog.
T: I'm familiar with Scooby and I used to work together for Frank Sinatra, yes. Every now and then we would help him bury hookers in the desert.
SG: (listening) Good. Well, I run a pack of hookers. Mm hmm. What uh? Oh, yes. Weiner.
T: Uhh, whatever, man. (laughs) You're in trouble, my friend. You're going down faster than Benji did in the Snow Dogs' locker room. Have I mentioned that Benji's queer?
SG: (listening) Well, I'm queer, too.
T: Uhh...
SG: Mm hmm.
T: Yes, good observation from the space man.
SG: I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it.
T: Uhh...
SG: Mm hmm. And I like to eat my own butt.
T: (laughing) Yes.
SG: Good. When I'm not killing hookers.
M: Oh, Space Ghost, what are you saying?!
SG: Shut up, dog. Eat your biscuit! (tugs leash)
T: Is it true that Wonder Woman once violated you with--
SG: (overlapping) Hang on, I just came up with a new slogan for my foundation. Who wants to hear it?
T: Ahh, please.
SG: (listening) Mmm. (tentatively) We moisten your dreams with man-urine?
T: (after a beat) Whatever you say with your out of space jargon--
SG: (overlapping) Won't you help? Just 20 cents a day and (with more conviction) we moisten your dreams with... man-urine. Won't you help? I think I will.
(Space Ghost is now holding a coffee mug, which he lowers behind desk. After a pause, we hear him start to fill it.)
SG: Won't you help? (under his breath, quickly) Under the desk.
(Quick close-up of Triumph looking perplexed. With a final jiggle behind the desk, Space Ghost finishing filling the mug, which he raises.)
SG: Now, Moltar, sprinkle my contribution on the children, so that they may dream.
M: Ehh, I'm lost. How does this relate to curing retardos?
SG: It doesn't, Moltar. Can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm holding my own urine in a cup because I have responsibilities. Won't you help?
(Zorak plays the piano intro to "Desperado" by the Eagles. Space Ghost appears -- sans headphones -- in a spotlight dotted with sparkles. He sings, backed up by the Williams Street Men's Chorus, which is slightly out of phase with him.)
SG: Hey, retardos, why can't you walk over here?
You've been out mending fences, probably can't even walk now.
But retardos, meet your warm, golden cure,
'Cause you've been out mending fences where you'll never walk alone.
So send me some money or I'll bang you up,
Yes, I'll bang you right up your ass----------
(Brief pause. Space Ghost holds up a large foam hand with one finger raised.)
SG: So retardos number one forever.
(The backup singers continue going "Ooh" as credits roll.)
SG: Ladies and gentlemen, if I could just have a moment of your time. Help us save a life, perhaps yours, drop by precious drop. Because we're all the same yellow color inside. Thank you. Only with your urine can we be curin', so please, get up and pee in a cup. And remember, retardos number one, forever.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Matt Harrigan
Jim Fortier
Matt Maiellaro
Pete Smith
Dave Willis
Dave Hughes
Tom Roche (inverted)
George Lowe
C. Martin Croker
Sonny Sharrock
Eddie Horst
Sonny Sharrock
Lance Carter
Eddie Horst
Alfrieda Gerald
Roy Clements
Keith Crofford
Mike Lazzo
Matt Maiellaro
Big Deal Cartoons
C. Martin Croker
Dave Hughes
Steve Jaworski
Pound O Sound, Inc.
J.C. Richardson
Roy Clements
Vishal Roney
Kim Manning
Nicholas Ingkatanuwat
mc chris
Ted Murphy
Cartoon Network Studios
Brian Miller
Antonio Gonella
CNN Los Angeles
Dave Dubiel
Digital Zeppelin
Ken Thornton
Samantha Pirtle
Crawford Communications
Robert Smigel
Eddie Horst
Alex Toth
Matt Harrigan
Keith Crofford
Mike Lazzo

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Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
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