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|Title:||Live at the Fillmore|
|Original Air Date:||April 11, 2004|
|Guest Star:||Susan Powter|
|Trivia:||Special thanks to Craig Clark for providing this transcript.|
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(Opening theme and titles. As the camera pulls back from window, there is the sound of a phone ringing. It continues to ring once the theme is over. Space Ghost does not inviso to the set.)
(Shot of Zorak reading a piece of paper while phone continues to ring.)
(Shot of Moltar reading a book. Finally, the machine beeps and picks up.)
(Shot of Dr. Weird's phone from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" sitting on the floor in the control room.)
Space Ghost: (on machine) Can you all come down to jail and get me out of jail? 'Cause guess where I am. Jail.
(Jail. Close-up of Space Ghost behind bars, smoking a cigarette. He inhales and talks to a squat robot in the cell with him.)
Space Ghost: Hey, guess what? (coughs and sniff) Last night I was having dinner and discovered I didn't have any money.
(Wider shot to establish that Zorak and Moltar are there, outside the cell.)
Space Ghost: So I told my dining companion...
Zorak: The waiter, right?
Space Ghost: Yes, the waiter. So I told him that we were going to have to sneak out. And get this: You know what the guy says to me? "I'm your waiter."
(Close-up of robot, not reacting.)
Space Ghost: So anyway, after the police had arrived, I ordered more food. I mean, I thought I'd pay him for the food I ate with the food I just ordered. What's wrong with that?
Space Ghost and Zorak: (simultaneously) So I decided to pay the bill--
(Space Ghost stops and looks at Zorak. Beat.)
Space Ghost and Zorak: (more deliberate) I decided--
(Beat. The robot backs out of frame with a squeak.)
Space Ghost and Zorak: --to pay--
(Space Ghost and Zorak are now in a standoff.)
Zorak: --the bail bond--
Space Ghost: (overlapping) The bail bond!
Space Ghost and Zorak: (quickly) --with this week's show budget!
Moltar: You know, we've had this conversation at least four times.
Space Ghost: Moltar, reach down my pants and get the show budget to pay the bail.
Zorak: You know you want to.
Moltar: ...I know.
(Zorak hops out of the way and Moltar walks up to the bars.)
(He unzips Space Ghost's pants and reaches down, fumbling around for a few seconds.)
Moltar: Oh, er. Uhh, this is it, right?
Space Ghost: What were you doing with one thousand dollars?
Moltar: (overlapping) Whoa, it was in your pants.
Space Ghost: Well, what would you have me to do, Zorak? (invisos out of cell, reappearing between Zorak and Moltar) Reach down my pants in public in front of the female police?
Zorak: I didn't say anything--
Space Ghost: Oh, but you're (CLOWN HORN)ing thinking it.
Zorak: I'm not (CLOWN HORN)ing it. I'll, I'll tell you what I am thinking. I think you took that thousand dollars--
Space Ghost: And put it in my underwear, yes. Then went out to dinner, yes. And then you came to jail. Yes.
Zorak: (southern accent) So, here we are bailing you out of jail for something questionable again.
Space Ghost: Yes.
Moltar: So, we're spending the show budget to get you out of jail.
Space Ghost: Yes! Er, no, because--
Space Ghost: No, no, molten man. Look, here's what we're doing. We don't need a budget, we're...doing a remote!
Moltar: Umm, I'll go get-- Should I go get the camera?
Space Ghost: No.
Zorak: What? We're going to do the show without cameras?
Space Ghost: Zorak, maybe you would maybe get out of this jail 15 minutes before the show starts with no ideas, but maybe one idea that's brilliant, like no cameras on this remote.
Zorak: Oh ho. I'll tell you what sucks -- your ideas!
Space Ghost: Well, why don't you just ask the box office?
Zorak: (reading page of script) And I say, "Ask 'em what?"
Space Ghost: And I reply... (holds up script) "For ideas, ashhole! They have 'em."
Zorak: What are you talkin' about?
Space Ghost: Here's an idea:
Space Ghost and Zorak: (simultaneously) We'll use the old Susan Powter interview.
Space Ghost: Where do you get this stuff? That's awesome. You're a genius! And will be promoted by the end of this show.
Moltar: Ehh. We've had /this/ conversation at least five times!
Space Ghost: You know what? You're fired. Send in the next candidate.
(Long beat while they remain motionless. Moltar turns his head.)
Space Ghost: Oh, I didn't see you there! Oh, screw it, you're hired and promoted!
Moltar: All right.
Zorak: (with his back to the others) I can tell you what I'm doing. (breaks wind) Smell that?
Space Ghost: There's someone who's using their ass.
Space Ghost: Way to fart with your ass, Zorak.
Zorak: Yeah, thanks.
Space Ghost: So, who's hungry? (conspiratorially) I'll meet you back at the set because I have a scheme.
Zorak: Ehh, why don't we just stay here? We're going to end up here anyway.
Space Ghost: Really? You're on the ball.
Moltar: All right. (rustling papers) Uhh, these are all the things that we will say here now.
Space Ghost: Mm-kay. Good.
Moltar: And, uhh, on a personal note, I just wanted to thank you in advance for rehiring and promoting me.
Space Ghost: Good, you are now king. Good work! Now, let's get back to the set because I have another idea! Because my brain is coming up with ideas. Period.
(Set. Space Ghost is behind desk. The monitor lowers with the green screen on it.)
Space Ghost: Roll the Susan Powter interview!
(When the monitor stops, Susan Powter appears on it.)
Susan Powter: Well, I may as well-- I may as well tell you here, sitting here with you, Space Ghost.
Space Ghost: (overlapping) Hello, Susan!
Susan Powter: I'm really a transsexual, actually. I'm not a woman at all.
Space Ghost: (overlapping) Wait, pause tape. This isn't working.
Space Ghost: (on monitor) Moltar, roll an old show. I'm going to interview it.
Moltar: (exhales quickly) Huh, uh, all right. (pulls lever, screen goes black)
(Set. Green screen on monitor, which is replaced by footage from this very episode.)
Space Ghost: (on monitor) Moltar, reach down my pants and get the show budget to pay the bail.
Moltar: (on monitor) No!
Space Ghost: Hello, show!
Zorak: (on monitor) You know you want to.
Moltar: (on monitor) ...I know. Hup.
(On monitor, he unzips Space Ghost's pants and reaches down, fumbling around for a few seconds.)
Space Ghost: Just use any answer, Moltar.
(Control room. Moltar is reading his book.)
Moltar: (on monitor) Oh, er. Uhh, this is it, right?
Space Ghost: (on monitor) What were you doing with one thousand dollars?
Space Ghost: (overlapping) Do you see what they're doing in that show?
Moltar: (on monitor) Whoa, it was in your pants.
Space Ghost: We could do that.
Zorak: (on monitor) Umm--
Space Ghost: (on monitor) Well, what would you have me to do, Zorak?
Space Ghost: (overlapping) Except for you, Zorak. You're messing it up.
Space Ghost: (on monitor) Reach down my pants in public in front of the female police?
Space Ghost: Nobody cares for you.
Zorak: (on monitor) I didn't say anything--
Space Ghost: (on monitor) Oh, but you're (CLOWN HORN)ing thinking it.
(Control room. The shot with Space Ghost and the monitor is on his monitor.)
Moltar: Well, I've got an idea. (throws lever, monitor on set goes gray) There's not enough of me punching you in the crotch.
Space Ghost: Hmm. Both of you? (looks at Zorak) Has that been done before?
Zorak: I don't know.
Moltar: Probably, but it'll be fun.
Space Ghost: (offscreen) Good idea, Moltar.
(Moltar walks away from console.)
Space Ghost: But you're going to have to catch me first.
(He tries to fly off just as Moltar arrives on the set and runs right into him, landing on his ass on the desk.)
(Moltar stands in front of the monitor, which is now green.)
Moltar: Uhh, hoo.
(We hear punches being thrown as Zorak crosses the set in fighting position.)
Zorak: Here, scoot over.
(Space Ghost lies back on desk.)
Zorak: There we go.
(Moltar laughs as they both punch Space Ghost repeatedly in the crotch while he hums to himself. Or, rather, they would if Moltar had been animated to punch Space Ghost in the crotch. Instead, he just stands there while Zorak punches him. The monitor, by the way, is gray again.)
Moltar: Umm, you can't feel this, right?
Space Ghost: This is good, this is working, even though my idea to run away did not occur. (continues humming)
Moltar: You know what? I think we have done this. Plus, my arm's getting tired.
Zorak: (stops throwing punches) I could do this all day, but there's no plot.
Space Ghost: (standing up) No, this is the plot.
Moltar: (walking away) I gotta take a break.
Space Ghost: Oh, fine, sure. Throw the story away.
Moltar: Well, why don't you just buy a crotch-punching robot?
Space Ghost: Shut up. I'm getting an idea. (sits down) Since people love robots and robots love crotches...
(Back to wider shot, in which the monitor is green again.)
Space Ghost: I need you to go on the Internet with your money and order up a punch-crotching robot! Now the story has legs.
Moltar: Only I don't have any money, or the Internet.
Space Ghost: Impossible! Refresh all dialogue with Internet possibilities! Sign on with my screenname.
Moltar: (sighs) Okay... What's your screenname?
Space Ghost: (arms folded) Refresher, password "dianarossfan."
(Monitor is gray again.)
Zorak: Huh-ho! You like her? (evil laugh, which continues underneath)
Moltar: Who doesn't?
Space Ghost: Shut up! Now I don't like her. (Zorak stops laughing) Now, if you'll all go back to your chairs, look under your chairs and you'll find bombs that you can explode by! Thank you. The end.
(Monitor is green again. When Zorak responds, his beak doesn't move.)
Zorak: Umm, no.
Space Ghost: Okay. (beat) Here's another idea: I'll dress up like Mark Twain and do my one-man show with Zorak and Moltar.
(Banjo music begins to play. Space Ghost is out in front of the desk, with Zorak and Moltar to the side. Space Ghost waves.)
Space Ghost: (gravely) "Racism is Bad," a one-man show.
(Dissolve to close-up of Space Ghost. The monitor is no longer in show over his shoulder. The lip-flip is noticeably off.)
Space Ghost: I begin. St. Louis, 1972. A riverboat makes its way down the river towards... towards... (looks at Moltar and Zorak for help) You know, it was on PBS. Ireland. Was it Ireland? (looks at Moltar and Zorak again) Dancing, the dancing guys. You know!
Moltar: Which one? The "Riverdance" guy?
Space Ghost: No. The, the-- Oh... (puts hand over his face in shame)
Zorak: Umm, Michael Jordan?
Space Ghost: No.
Zorak: But somebody Jordan. (beat) Michael Jordan?
Space Ghost: Mm mm, no. But somebody Jordan. Get out a phone book and read every name. I'll know it when I hear it.
Moltar: What, are you asking me seriously?
Zorak: What are we doing again?
(The banjo music stops as we cut to the three of them in the commissary.)
Space Ghost: Okay, I like how it starts, but I need an ending for "Racism is Bad," because some races are bad, but let's not get lost in the ending because I think it works.
Moltar: How about you (CLOWN HORN) off?
Space Ghost: But wait. Ho-hold on. Read that back to me. I like where that's going.
Moltar: What? The (CLOWN HORN) off part?
Space Ghost: No, that's working. Read that back to me.
Moltar: Umm... Read that back to me.
Space Ghost: No, read /that/ back to me.
Moltar: (without inflection) Read that back to me.
Space Ghost: No, you're doing it all wrong. Now, read that back to /me/.
Space Ghost: Wrong! Start from the jail!
Moltar: Why are you doing this to me?
Space Ghost: No, no, no. Why are /you/ doing this to /me/?
Moltar: Why are you doing this to /me/?
Space Ghost: Brilliant! See, if we work on it, it works.
Zorak: Well, I thought the crotch-punching thing was working.
Space Ghost: Really? Well, let's start that again.
Zorak: Oh, hell yeah!
(Set. Space Ghost is straddled between the desk and the chair next to it. Zorak, who is clumsily stuck into the desk, is the only one punching Space Ghost's crotch, but there is the sound of two people doing it. Moltar stands to the side, motionless.)
Space Ghost: (sighs) You know, I like it, But I-- I don't know. Just something's missing from it.
Moltar: The only thing missing is you sawing your head off with a knife.
Space Ghost: Okay, stop. Now we're getting jokey. (gets down) Enough with the jokes, okay? We're not trying to make jokes.
(Zorak starts punching the back of Space Ghost's head.)
Space Ghost: We're trying to tell a story here. A story...about an omelette.
(For the next line, Space Ghost's lips don't move.)
Space Ghost: How about I cook an omelette?
Moltar: That's good writing, but is it a good ending?
Zorak: Sure it is!
Space Ghost: But will the audience believe it?
Zorak: Ehh, no.
Space Ghost: Hmm. Then we'll have to make them believe it, with our savory hobbit omelette.
(Time cut. Space Ghost is standing behind desk cooking an omelette in a frying pan. Moltar is standing to his left and Zorak is to his right, punching him in the crotch.)
Moltar: Now /this/ is an ending.
Space Ghost: Shut up, Moltar! Now that's the ending.
Moltar: Is that the ending for the Mark Twain show or for our show?
Space Ghost: It doesn't matter.
(Zorak has stopped punching Space Ghost in the crotch and is sitting on the chair. Moltar is standing in front of the desk.)
Space Ghost: Space Ghost made an omelette.
Moltar: Well, I'm not really hungry.
Zorak: Me, neither.
Space Ghost: Hmm. Well, someone needs to eat this. Call Dr. Science and have him rewire the crotch-punching robot into an omelette-eating robot.
Moltar: Okay. (long beat while he stands in place) He says he can't do it.
Space Ghost: Then ask him if he wants the omelette. (beat while Moltar stays where he is) Are you talking to Dr. Science, right now?
Space Ghost: Because it look like you're just standing there.
Moltar: No, I just called him, and he said the robot can only punch omelettes.
Space Ghost: Brilliant! Bullsh(CLOWN HORN)! He can make that robot do anything he wants. Get him on the phone.
(Space Ghost hops over to Moltar and holds up his power band arm threateningly.)
Space Ghost: Or maybe /you/ should get him on the phone since you have this amazing technology to call him.
(Cut to a wide shot reveals the robot from the jail is now standing in front of the desk. Space Ghost notices it.)
Space Ghost: What's this?
Zorak: (hick voice) Why, it looks like a robot! Hit it with a stick, Daddy!
Space Ghost: Can this whole show be deleted? Well, what do you think?
(Cut to background for credits, with no actual credits on it. Theme plays.)
Space Ghost: Hey, what the hell's going on? What are these words doing here?
Moltar: These are the credits.
Space Ghost: If I wanted to read a book I'd go to the carnival.
(Cut to Space Ghost standing in front of a blue background. Carnival music plays. He points offscreen.)
Space Ghost: What's this word?
(Cut to part of a red sign with white lettering. We can see "IT IS DA" and "TO ST.")
Space Ghost: So that's how "it"'s spelled.
(Cut to Zorak in front of black. His beak movement doesn't match what he says.)
Zorak: Son of a gun. (Cut to Space Ghost pointing to the second word on sign. We can now see "IT IS DANG" and "TO STAND." The background here is also black.)
Space Ghost: Do this one.
(Close-up of Space Ghost in front of black.)
Space Ghost: Well, it looks just like the other word.
(Close-up of Moltar in front of black.)
Moltar: Yeah, it...starts off the same way.
(Shot of Space Ghost pointing in front of black.)
Space Ghost: Read that one!
Moltar: It's, uhh...
(Shot of Moltar standing next to sign. It reads in full "IT IS DANGEROUS TO STAND HERE.")
Moltar: (having trouble) "Dan...ger..."
(We start to hear the sound of something approaching)
Space Ghost: No, no. We'll pass that one. Read this one instead.
(Wide shot of the three of them standing on the curve of a rollercoaster track. There is a moon in the sky above them called the moon.)
(A rollercoaster comes along, sweeping the three of them off the track with an explosion of red smoke.)
Space Ghost: Ow! Oh, God!
|("Kentucky Nightmare" credits roll)|
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