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(Opening theme and titles. As the camera pulls back from window, there is the sound of a phone ringing. It continues to ring once the theme is over. Space Ghost does not inviso to the set.)

(Shot of Zorak reading a piece of paper while phone continues to ring.)

(Shot of Moltar reading a book. Finally, the machine beeps and picks up.)

(Shot of Dr. Weird's phone from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" sitting on the floor in the control room.)

Space Ghost (SG):

(on machine) Can you all come down to jail and get me out of jail? 'Cause guess where I am. Jail.

(Jail. Close-up of Space Ghost behind bars, smoking a cigarette. He inhales and talks to a squat robot in the cell with him.)

SG:

Hey, guess what? (coughs and sniff) Last night I was having dinner and discovered I didn't have any money.

(Wider shot to establish that Zorak and Moltar are there, outside the cell.)

SG:

So I told my dining companion...

Zorak (Z):

The waiter, right?

SG:

Yes, the waiter. So I told him that we were going to have to sneak out. And get this: You know what the guy says to me? "I'm your waiter."

(Close-up of robot, not reacting.)

SG:

So anyway, after the police had arrived, I ordered more food. I mean, I thought I'd pay him for the food I ate with the food I just ordered. What's wrong with that?

Space Ghost and Zorak (SGAZ):

(simultaneously) So I decided to pay the bill--

(Space Ghost stops and looks at Zorak. Beat.)

SGAZ:

(more deliberate) I decided--

(Beat. The robot backs out of frame with a squeak.)

SGAZ:

--to pay--

(Space Ghost and Zorak are now in a standoff.)

Z:

--the bail bond--

SG:

(overlapping) The bail bond!

(Beat.)

SGAZ:

(quickly) --with this week's show budget!

Moltar (M):

You know, we've had this conversation at least four times.

SG:

Moltar, reach down my pants and get the show budget to pay the bail.

M:

No!

Z:

You know you want to.

M:

...I know.

(Zorak hops out of the way and Moltar walks up to the bars.)

M:

Hup.

(He unzips Space Ghost's pants and reaches down, fumbling around for a few seconds.)

M:

Oh, er. Uhh, this is it, right?

SG:

What were you doing with one thousand dollars?

M:

(overlapping) Whoa, it was in your pants.

(Beat.)

Z:

Umm--

SG:

Well, what would you have me to do, Zorak? (invisos out of cell, reappearing between Zorak and Moltar) Reach down my pants in public in front of the female police?

(Beat.)

Z:

I didn't say anything--

SG:

Oh, but you're (CLOWN HORN)ing thinking it.

Z:

I'm not (CLOWN HORN)ing it. I'll, I'll tell you what I am thinking. I think you took that thousand dollars--

SG:

And put it in my underwear, yes. Then went out to dinner, yes. And then you came to jail. Yes.

Z:

(southern accent) So, here we are bailing you out of jail for something questionable again.

SG:

Yes.

M:

So, we're spending the show budget to get you out of jail.

SG:

Yes! Er, no, because--

M:

Again.

SG:

No, no, molten man. Look, here's what we're doing. We don't need a budget, we're...doing a remote!

M:

Okay...

(Zorak chuckles.)

M:

Umm, I'll go get-- Should I go get the camera?

SG:

No.

Z:

What? We're going to do the show without cameras?

SG:

Zorak, maybe you would maybe get out of this jail 15 minutes before the show starts with no ideas, but maybe one idea that's brilliant, like no cameras on this remote.

Z:

Oh ho. I'll tell you what sucks -- your ideas!

SG:

Well, why don't you just ask the box office?

Z:

(reading page of script) And I say, "Ask 'em what?"

SG:

And I reply... (holds up script) "For ideas, ashhole! They have 'em."

Z:

What are you talkin' about?

SG:

Here's an idea:

SGAZ:

(simultaneously) We'll use the old Susan Powter interview.

SG:

Where do you get this stuff? That's awesome. You're a genius! And will be promoted by the end of this show.

M:

Ehh. We've had /this/ conversation at least five times!

SG:

You know what? You're fired. Send in the next candidate.

(Long beat while they remain motionless. Moltar turns his head.)

M:

Hey.

SG:

Oh, I didn't see you there! Oh, screw it, you're hired and promoted!

M:

All right.

Z:

(with his back to the others) I can tell you what I'm doing. (breaks wind) Smell that?

SG:

There's someone who's using their ass.

(Moltar groans.)

SG:

Way to fart with your ass, Zorak.

Z:

Yeah, thanks.

SG:

So, who's hungry? (conspiratorially) I'll meet you back at the set because I have a scheme.

Z:

Ehh, why don't we just stay here? We're going to end up here anyway.

SG:

Really? You're on the ball.

M:

All right. (rustling papers) Uhh, these are all the things that we will say here now.

SG:

Mm-kay. Good.

M:

And, uhh, on a personal note, I just wanted to thank you in advance for rehiring and promoting me.

SG:

Good, you are now king. Good work! Now, let's get back to the set because I have another idea! Because my brain is coming up with ideas. Period.

(Set. Space Ghost is behind desk. The monitor lowers with the green screen on it.)

SG:

Roll the Susan Powter interview!

(When the monitor stops, Susan Powter appears on it.)

Susan Powter (SP):

Well, I may as well-- I may as well tell you here, sitting here with you, Space Ghost.

SG:

(overlapping) Hello, Susan!

SP:

I'm really a transsexual, actually. I'm not a woman at all.

SG:

(overlapping) Wait, pause tape. This isn't working.

(Susan freezes.)

(Control room.)

SG:

(on monitor) Moltar, roll an old show. I'm going to interview it.

M:

(exhales quickly) Huh, uh, all right. (pulls lever, screen goes black)

(Set. Green screen on monitor, which is replaced by footage from this very episode.)

SG:

(on monitor) Moltar, reach down my pants and get the show budget to pay the bail.

M:

(on monitor) No!

SG:

Hello, show!

Z:

(on monitor) You know you want to.

M:

(on monitor) ...I know. Hup.

(On monitor, he unzips Space Ghost's pants and reaches down, fumbling around for a few seconds.)

SG:

Just use any answer, Moltar.

(Control room. Moltar is reading his book.)

M:

(on monitor) Oh, er. Uhh, this is it, right?

SG:

(on monitor) What were you doing with one thousand dollars?

SG:

(overlapping) Do you see what they're doing in that show?

M:

(on monitor) Whoa, it was in your pants.

SG:

We could do that.

Z:

(on monitor) Umm--

SG:

(on monitor) Well, what would you have me to do, Zorak?

SG:

(overlapping) Except for you, Zorak. You're messing it up.

SG:

(on monitor) Reach down my pants in public in front of the female police?

SG:

Nobody cares for you.

Z:

(on monitor) I didn't say anything--

SG:

(on monitor) Oh, but you're (CLOWN HORN)ing thinking it.

(Control room. The shot with Space Ghost and the monitor is on his monitor.)

M:

Well, I've got an idea. (throws lever, monitor on set goes gray) There's not enough of me punching you in the crotch.

(Set.)

SG:

Hmm. Both of you? (looks at Zorak) Has that been done before?

Z:

I don't know.

(Control room.)

M:

Probably, but it'll be fun.

SG:

(offscreen) Good idea, Moltar.

(Moltar walks away from console.)

(Set.)

SG:

But you're going to have to catch me first.

(He tries to fly off just as Moltar arrives on the set and runs right into him, landing on his ass on the desk.)

(Moltar stands in front of the monitor, which is now green.)

M:

Uhh, hoo.

(We hear punches being thrown as Zorak crosses the set in fighting position.)

Z:

Here, scoot over.

(Space Ghost lies back on desk.)

Z:

There we go.

(Moltar laughs as they both punch Space Ghost repeatedly in the crotch while he hums to himself. Or, rather, they would if Moltar had been animated to punch Space Ghost in the crotch. Instead, he just stands there while Zorak punches him. The monitor, by the way, is gray again.)

M:

Umm, you can't feel this, right?

SG:

This is good, this is working, even though my idea to run away did not occur. (continues humming)

M:

You know what? I think we have done this. Plus, my arm's getting tired.

Z:

(stops throwing punches) I could do this all day, but there's no plot.

SG:

(standing up) No, this is the plot.

M:

(walking away) I gotta take a break.

SG:

Oh, fine, sure. Throw the story away.

M:

Well, why don't you just buy a crotch-punching robot?

SG:

Shut up. I'm getting an idea. (sits down) Since people love robots and robots love crotches...

(Back to wider shot, in which the monitor is green again.)

SG:

I need you to go on the Internet with your money and order up a punch-crotching robot! Now the story has legs.

M:

Only I don't have any money, or the Internet.

SG:

Impossible! Refresh all dialogue with Internet possibilities! Sign on with my screenname.

M:

(sighs) Okay... What's your screenname?

SG:

(arms folded) Refresher, password "dianarossfan."

(Monitor is gray again.)

Z:

Huh-ho! You like her? (evil laugh, which continues underneath)

M:

Who doesn't?

SG:

Shut up! Now I don't like her. (Zorak stops laughing) Now, if you'll all go back to your chairs, look under your chairs and you'll find bombs that you can explode by! Thank you. The end.

(Monitor is green again. When Zorak responds, his beak doesn't move.)

Z:

Umm, no.

SG:

Okay. (beat) Here's another idea: I'll dress up like Mark Twain and do my one-man show with Zorak and Moltar.

(Banjo music begins to play. Space Ghost is out in front of the desk, with Zorak and Moltar to the side. Space Ghost waves.)

SG:

(gravely) "Racism is Bad," a one-man show.

(Dissolve to close-up of Space Ghost. The monitor is no longer in show over his shoulder. The lip-flip is noticeably off.)

SG:

I begin. St. Louis, 1972. A riverboat makes its way down the river towards... towards... (looks at Moltar and Zorak for help) You know, it was on PBS. Ireland. Was it Ireland? (looks at Moltar and Zorak again) Dancing, the dancing guys. You know!

M:

Which one? The "Riverdance" guy?

SG:

No. The, the-- Oh... (puts hand over his face in shame)

Z:

Umm, Michael Jordan?

SG:

No.

Z:

But somebody Jordan. (beat) Michael Jordan?

SG:

Mm mm, no. But somebody Jordan. Get out a phone book and read every name. I'll know it when I hear it.

M:

What, are you asking me seriously?

Z:

What are we doing again?

(The banjo music stops as we cut to the three of them in the commissary.)

SG:

Okay, I like how it starts, but I need an ending for "Racism is Bad," because some races are bad, but let's not get lost in the ending because I think it works.

M:

How about you (CLOWN HORN) off?

SG:

But wait. Ho-hold on. Read that back to me. I like where that's going.

M:

What? The (CLOWN HORN) off part?

SG:

No, that's working. Read that back to me.

M:

Umm... Read that back to me.

SG:

No, read /that/ back to me.

M:

(without inflection) Read that back to me.

SG:

No, you're doing it all wrong. Now, read that back to /me/.

M:

Readthat...back...to...me.

SG:

Wrong! Start from the jail!

M:

Why are you doing this to me?

SG:

No, no, no. Why are /you/ doing this to /me/?

M:

Why are you doing this to /me/?

SG:

Brilliant! See, if we work on it, it works.

Z:

Well, I thought the crotch-punching thing was working.

SG:

Really? Well, let's start that again.

Z:

Oh, hell yeah!

(Set. Space Ghost is straddled between the desk and the chair next to it. Zorak, who is clumsily stuck into the desk, is the only one punching Space Ghost's crotch, but there is the sound of two people doing it. Moltar stands to the side, motionless.)

SG:

(sighs) You know, I like it, But I-- I don't know. Just something's missing from it.

M:

The only thing missing is you sawing your head off with a knife.

SG:

Okay, stop. Now we're getting jokey. (gets down) Enough with the jokes, okay? We're not trying to make jokes.

(Zorak starts punching the back of Space Ghost's head.)

SG:

We're trying to tell a story here. A story...about an omelette.

(For the next line, Space Ghost's lips don't move.)

SG:

How about I cook an omelette?

M:

That's good writing, but is it a good ending?

Z:

Sure it is!

SG:

But will the audience believe it?

Z:

Ehh, no.

SG:

Hmm. Then we'll have to make them believe it, with our savory hobbit omelette.

(Time cut. Space Ghost is standing behind desk cooking an omelette in a frying pan. Moltar is standing to his left and Zorak is to his right, punching him in the crotch.)

M:

Now /this/ is an ending.

SG:

Shut up, Moltar! Now that's the ending.

M:

Is that the ending for the Mark Twain show or for our show?

SG:

It doesn't matter.

(Zorak has stopped punching Space Ghost in the crotch and is sitting on the chair. Moltar is standing in front of the desk.)

SG:

Space Ghost made an omelette.

(Beat.)

M:

Well, I'm not really hungry.

Z:

Me, neither.

SG:

Hmm. Well, someone needs to eat this. Call Dr. Science and have him rewire the crotch-punching robot into an omelette-eating robot.

M:

Okay. (long beat while he stands in place) He says he can't do it.

SG:

Then ask him if he wants the omelette. (beat while Moltar stays where he is) Are you talking to Dr. Science, right now?

M:

Yyyy-yes.

SG:

Because it look like you're just standing there.

M:

No, I just called him, and he said the robot can only punch omelettes.

SG:

Brilliant! Bullsh(CLOWN HORN)! He can make that robot do anything he wants. Get him on the phone.

(Space Ghost hops over to Moltar and holds up his power band arm threateningly.)

SG:

Or maybe /you/ should get him on the phone since you have this amazing technology to call him.

(Cut to a wide shot reveals the robot from the jail is now standing in front of the desk. Space Ghost notices it.)

SG:

What's this?

Z:

(hick voice) Why, it looks like a robot! Hit it with a stick, Daddy!

SG:

Can this whole show be deleted? Well, what do you think?

(Cut to background for credits, with no actual credits on it. Theme plays.)

SG:

Hey, what the hell's going on? What are these words doing here?

M:

These are the credits.

SG:

If I wanted to read a book I'd go to the carnival.

(Cut to Space Ghost standing in front of a blue background. Carnival music plays. He points offscreen.)

SG:

What's this word?

(Cut to part of a red sign with white lettering. We can see "IT IS DA" and "TO ST.")

M:

"It."

SG:

So that's how "it"'s spelled.

Z:

Huh.

(Cut to Zorak in front of black. His beak movement doesn't match what he says.)

Z:

Son of a gun. (Cut to Space Ghost pointing to the second word on sign. We can now see "IT IS DANG" and "TO STAND." The background here is also black.)

SG:

Do this one.

M:

"Is."

(Close-up of Space Ghost in front of black.)

SG:

Well, it looks just like the other word.

(Close-up of Moltar in front of black.)

M:

Yeah, it...starts off the same way.

Z:

Damn!

(Shot of Space Ghost pointing in front of black.)

SG:

Read that one!

M:

It's, uhh...

(Shot of Moltar standing next to sign. It reads in full "IT IS DANGEROUS TO STAND HERE.")

M:

(having trouble) "Dan...ger..."

(We start to hear the sound of something approaching)

SG:

No, no. We'll pass that one. Read this one instead.

(Wide shot of the three of them standing on the curve of a rollercoaster track. There is a moon in the sky above them called the moon.)

M:

"To..."

(A rollercoaster comes along, sweeping the three of them off the track with an explosion of red smoke.)

SG:

Ow! Oh, God!

© 2004 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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