- SG
- Space Ghost (host)
- A
- Audience (all-mantis, a la "Jerk")
- M
- Moltar (director)
- Z
- Zorak (band leader)
- TM
- Thurston Moore (guest)
- A
- Announcer (at end of show)
(Opening theme music & titles)
- SG:
- (invisos in) Greetings, citizens! I am the Cartoon
Network's franchise Space Ghost, star of stage, screen,
and the constant struggle between good and evil.
- A:
- (completely quiet, except for blinking)
- SG:
- (laughs nervously) You can applaud now, if you like.
- A:
- (still quiet; one mantis coughs)
- SG:
- (clears throat) Before we begin, let me introduce you to
the director of tonight's festivities, the fabulous hot
rock himself, Moltar!
- A:
- (applause)
- M:
- Hey, don't get up.
- SG:
- And, over here, we have my band leader, and indentured
mantis-servant, Zorak!
- A:
- (wild applause and cheering)
- Z:
- (with spinning eyes) Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona
ah-ah.
- SG:
- And we'd like to welcome you to... (eerie music, echo
effect begins) The Dark Side of the Ghost Planet Rock
& Roll Laser Light Show Extravaganza (echo ends;
quiet voice) copyright Cartoon Network (tm) All Rights
Reserved, dealer retains rebate, tax, tag and title.
- Z:
- Whoop dee doo.
- SG:
- Tonight is a new plateau in the Space Ghost saga. My
saga! It's the saga of a boy, who became a man, who
became a... (superimpose original Space Ghost titles,
echo effect begins) Spaaaaace Ghooooost! (echo ends,
clips from cartoon series continue) Sworn to uphold
justice, beat the living heck out of evil, I roamed the
spaceways for years, fighting wrongdoers. But then, like
a leaf in the winter, or that.. slimy thing that becomes
a frog, I entered a new arena of combat: the talk show
wars. (scenes from past episodes flash by, with flash
bulb sound effects) Where before I battled the enemies of
peace, now I must contend with the likes of Donny Osmond
and the Bee Ghees, on my talk show on the Cartoon
Network. (final scene: Mujibur & Sirajul, saying
"Hi Dave, hi Dave!") Space Ghost Coast to
Coast! I continue to fight the good fight, for I
am (echo effect begins) Spaaaaace Ghooooost!
- Z:
- Sheesh! Who wrote that steamer?
- SG:
- (laughs) But you folks must already know all about me. I
mean, why else would you be here, unless you knew and
loved the Space Ghost experience? (smile sparkles)
- Z:
- Uhh, maybe they lost a bet with Ted Turner.
- SG:
- That's the kind of evil sissy talk that got you and
Moltar imprisoned here as my sidekicks, Zorak. So hush up
unless you want me to get blast-happy.
- Z:
- (stares wide-eyed)
- SG:
- (taps his cards & clears his throat) Tonight we've
transformed this planetarium into our very own Ghost
Planetarium. All for the purpose of dazzling you with
wondrous laser displays, spectacular Space Ghost
adventures, rib-tickling Space Ghost interviews, and
ear-splitting modern rock sounds.
- Z:
- Aw yeah!
- SG:
- Hmm. I don't know what you kids see in that new music of
yours. Makes my teeth hurt. And that reminds me, when the
videos are playing, there'll be none of that "mash
pit" nonsense I read about in Newsweek. Got that?
This is a hall of science, not a zoo! So, watch it!
- Z:
- Holy Joe Friday!
- SG:
- So, let's get down to it! Our first feature is a brand
new episode of your favorite talk show (ahem), Space
Ghost Coast to Coast, Friday nights, only on Cartoon
Network. It's called "$20.01", and my mother
says it's one of her favorites. So, settle down in those
funny chairs, crane your neck to the heavens, and prepare
for talk show gold. And don't be afraid, we'll be right
back with you when it's all done.
(Insert Episode 20,
"$20.01")
- SG:
- (laughing) Alrighty! Now, that was quite a humdinger!
Especially the part where I fired Zorak and Moltar.
- Z:
- Excuse me, Space Ghost, but, uh, what exactly is
a "humdinger", hmm?
- SG:
- Pipe down, pesticide breath, everyone knows what a
"humdinger" is.
- M:
- It's a pickle, right?
- SG:
- A pickle? (laughs) A humdinger is not a pickle, you goofy
lava man!
- Z:
- Well, Space Ghost, what is it then?
- SG:
- A humdinger's like, like, is, it's like a great episode
of Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Zorak. So shut up, okay?
Speaking of great, our next item on the agenda is a
little blast from the past, where I blast Zorak
in the past! (laughs)
- Z:
- Oh no! Not that one!
- SG:
- That's right! We're going to travel back in time
to my super-adventure days, and see the very first time I
met our evil weevil little bug pal. And beat the living
bejeebers out of him.
- Z:
- Just show the (bleep!) cartoon, would ya? Jerk!
- SG:
- (pause) It's called simply "Zorak". Enjoy!
(film counts down on monitor)
(Insert original Space Ghost cartoon episode,
"Zorak")
- SG:
- (laughing) Did ya, did you see that, where I blew up his
planet? Hoo hoo, oh man!
- Z:
- Feh! I would have defeated you, if it wasn't for
those meddling kids. (looks at camera briefly, then turns
back) And that monkey.
- SG:
- Oh, all right, Zorak, I could have taken you with one
power band behind my back. Those kids were nothing but
excess baggage. Hey, Moltar! Let's see that footage of
Zorak's planet blowing up, one more time.
- M:
- (rewinds tape on control room monitor, throws lever.
Replay of planet destruction scene from previous cartoon
appears on screen)
- SG:
- (laughs wildly) Say, Zorak, just how did you
escape certain death when I blew up your planet?
- Z:
- I, I crouched.
- SG:
- Crouched?
- Z:
- Down low, behind a rock. Go figure. It was those
"duck and cover" films.
- SG:
- Hmm. Anyway, it's time for our first music video of the
evening. Zorak, if you would, please tell the folks which
band will be up first tonight.
- Z:
- Uh, okay. Everybody, here's Garbage!
- SG:
- Zorak!
- Z:
- Well, that's their name!
- SG:
- Really? That's unsavory!
- Z:
- Yeah!
(Insert music video:)
| GARBAGE |
| "Vow" |
| Almo Sounds |
- SG:
- (clears throat) That certainly was Garbage, if you ask
me.
- Z:
- Nobody asked you, super-square. What do you
know? You're the lamest of the lame, Space Ghost.
- SG:
- Now you listen to me, mis-
- Z:
- Your buddy Thurston from Sonic Youth is up next!
- SG:
- Really? Thurston's here?
- TM:
- (appears on monitor) I really think it'd be a good idea
for these other talk show hosts to check you out, and
find out what the real deal is on that. I think
Letterman, Leno, I mean all those guys, they should check
you out, and find out what's goin' on, because those guys
are as dull as wood.
- SG:
- Hey! I like you, Thurston.
- Z:
- Hey, slackers! Get ready for Sonic Youth!
(Insert music video:)
| SONIC YOUTH |
| "Diamond Sea" |
| DGC Records |
- Z:
- Trippy!
- TM:
- Well, thank you for having us.
- SG:
- You're welcome!
- Z:
- Punk rock! Punk rock!
- SG:
- All right, Zorak, calm down! Calm down!
- Z:
- (mocking voice) Alternative rock! Alternative rock!
- SG:
- Al-righty-roonie! Everyone remain in your seats, next up
on the extravaganza is another Space Ghost Coast to Coast
talk-show-a-rama.
- Z:
- (stares)
- SG:
- (On control room monitor) Um, Moltar, what are we
showing, I lost my notes.
- M:
- That's a new show, it's called "Transcript".
- SG:
- "Transcript"? Sounds heady! What's it all
about, Alfie?
- M:
- I don't know, haven't seen it yet, it's new.
- SG:
- Well then, let's all pay attention, kids. Heeeeeeere's
"Transcript"! (over beginning
":WAITING" static) How come I don't remember
making this one?
- M:
- I don't know, repressed memory, maybe?
(Insert Episode 22,
"Transcript")
- Z:
- Greetings, puny humans! I am Zorak! The Lone
Mantis, er, formerly Locust, of the Apocalypse! You may
stop groveling now. My first guest tonight is Moltar,
cable TV director, devoted husband, and evil molten man
from stars. (monitor lowers from ceiling with Moltar on
screen) Greetings, Moltar. Hail, evil!
- M:
- Hi, Zorak, it's good to be here! "Hail, evil"
right back atcha!
- Z:
- So, Moltar, before we discuss your latest cookbook,
"Let's Burn Dinner", why don't we show the
filthy humans the episode where you first tried to kill
that stupid so and so, Space Ghost.
- M:
- Cool, peachy!
(Insert original Space Ghost cartoon episode,
"The Molten Monsters of Moltar")
(Cartoon is interrupted, and replaced by static; Space
Ghost bounds back to his seat)
- SG:
- Ahh! That's much better!
- M:
- Hey! What gives?
- SG:
- What's going on here? Who put that cheesy old Moltar
thing on while I was in the bathroom?
- Z:
- Er, uh, Moltar did it.
- M:
- Eh, did not!
- Z:
- Did too!
- M:
- Did not!
- Z:
- Did too!
- M:
- Did not!
- Z:
- Okay, I did it, I wasn't quite myself. I was, possessed
by... Jack Klugman! (eerie sound effects in background)
(to the tune of "Odd Couple" theme) Lombaak
ecree oplom ah-plee ozona. Felix! Felix!
- SG:
- Okay, Zorak, that's enough. Zorak!
- Z:
- ... whatever his name was. Tony! Tony! You straightened
up my mess! I'm gonna sock you right in your puss.
- SG:
- Zorak, we have another video to show.
- Z:
- Eh, er, what? Cool! Who is it?
- SG:
- It's another one of those "rock bands". Roll
the clip!
(Insert Cartoon Planet video, "Don't Touch Me")
(Space Ghost is snoozing at his desk. "Smells
Like Cartoon Planet" starts playing on the monitor)
- SG:
- (wakes up, video stops) Hey, Moltar, that's not right!
That's one of our delightful videos from "Cartoon
Planet", weekdays on Cartoon Network. (smile
sparkles) Now give these punks what they're here for.
More punks playin' that punk music.
- Z:
- Okay... Eh, who's next?
- SG:
- You're supposed to be introducing them, Zorak.
- Z:
- Oh, yeah. Hehe. Attention, people of Earth! Make way for
the Chicago power trio machine called Loud Lucy!
- M:
- What? Lucille Ball?
- Z:
- No, stupid, it's the band, Loud Lucy.
- M:
- Oh. C'est la vie. (throws lever)
(Insert music video:)
| LOUD LUCY |
| "Ticking" |
| DGC Records |
- Z:
- Man! I dig that sound!
- SG:
- Mm. What ever happened to good, clean, simple music? Mel
Torme, Steve and Edie?
- Z:
- It dried up and blew away, daddy-o! Rock and roll! Woo!
- SG:
- All right, Zorak! Let's not try to whip up a little youth
rebellion in the cheap seats.
- Z:
- Eh, ya old fogey!
- SG:
- (stares at Zorak)
- Z:
- (belch!)
- SG:
- (sighs) I'm going to ignore you, insect, because I
have our final talk show segment to introduce. It's a
little ditty called "Explode", and you lucky
boys and girls will explode with laughter as I deftly
interview former Monty Python member Terry Jones, as well
as some guy from some band I never heard of. Okay,
Moltar, let's roll "Explode"!
- M:
- (showing "CHiPs" car crash scenes on monitor)
- SG:
- (taps cards impatiently) I said, let's roll
"Explode"! (monitor shows another car crash
scene) I said, let's roll "Explode"!!!
(Insert Episode 19,
"Explode")
- SG:
- (with cheesy organ music in background) Well, my friends,
it looks like we're just about coming to the end of our
little extravaganza. And I, for one, feel not only
emotionally and physically drained, I just can't wait to
get my tired dogs home to a heaping bowl of Easy Squeeze
cheese fondue.
- M:
- Eh, huh? Fondue?! Where??
- SG:
- Before I go, I'd like to thank the bands tonight from our
fine friends at Geffen, DGC and Almo.
- A:
- (applause)
- SG:
- And, I'd also like to thank Zorak for not completely
ruining tonight's show.
- A:
- (more applause)
- Z:
- So long, folks! Don't forget to drop dead! (evil laugh)
- SG:
- Nice. Real nice. And lastly, I'd like to thank Moltar for
his mostly competant work.
- M:
- (yawns) Yeah, whatever.
- SG:
- Well, we have to go now, and then you'll have to
go. But, before they kick you out of here, we'll leave
you with one last magnificent display of stupendous laser
excitement, while we shoop shoop sheboogie with Southern
Culture on the Skids.
- Z:
- Hey! Space Ghost! Wanna see some of my own laser
excitement? I made it myself.
- SG:
- Ooo! Yeah! Sure, Zorak! In 3D? Where should I look?
- Z:
- Right here, Space Ghost! (blasts him with his laser
rifle) How's that taste? (evil laugh)
- SG:
- Ow! Ouch! Zorak! You... you... oh, you make me so mad!
(blasts Zorak with his power bands. Mutual combat ensues)
- M:
- (snores)
- SG:
- Shut up, Zorak! Shut up! Put on your 3D swim goggles,
kids! Hold on to your fried chicken and grab your dirt
track date. I've got some serious mantis butt to kick.
(fighting continues)
- TM:
- You know, I've never really seen a mantis butt.
It's intriguing. (Zorak's and Space Ghost's blasts
convirge on the monitor, blasting Thurston)
(Insert music video:)
| SOUTHERN CULTURE ON THE SKIDS |
| "Camel Walk" |
| DGC Records |
(Music video fades to black, music continues,
interspersed with Sonny Sharrock guitar licks)
- A:
- Ladies and gentlemen, Space Ghost has left the building.